


The End

by Erisabesu (ErisabesuFic)



Series: The Experiment Series [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Humor, Multi, Satire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-16
Updated: 2019-11-16
Packaged: 2021-01-31 16:21:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21449140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ErisabesuFic/pseuds/Erisabesu
Summary: “This is the moment when the true mastermind is introduced.”  [2008.10.26]A tongue-in-cheek spoof on how the Naruto series could end.  The first of the “experiment series,” written when I was on painkillers after my wisdom tooth surgery, and around the time manga chapter #419 was released during Pain's attack on Konoha.
Relationships: Uchiha Sasuke/Uzumaki Naruto
Series: The Experiment Series [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1546276
Comments: 4
Kudos: 18





	The End

The End

♦

Konoha is burning. The Hokage tower has been sliced in twain by a powerful jutsu. Amid the frightened screams of the citizens rises the crackle of flames, the whooshing of smoke, and the booming of utter destruction. With this as the backdrop, two men emerge from the trees on the highest cliff to stand atop the carved heads of the previous village leaders.

It is the final moments of one man’s epic machinations.

“Take a good look, Sasuke.” Uchiha Madara gestures at the chaos below them, a note of pride in his voice.

Behind him, Uchiha Sasuke yawns.

Madara continues on, voice dripping in evil glee. “This is what it looks like, Sasuke, when a man fulfills his destiny!”

He raises both arms and cackles at the sky, a swirl of wind whipping past them to ruffle their red and black cloaks in just the right amount of drama. And then…

_Tap-tap-shuffle-step._

…pause.

_Tap-tap-shuffle-step._

Madara twitches, trying to ignore the intrusion.

_Tap-tap-shuffle-step._

Uchiha Sasuke cocks his head. “Uh… who’s that old dude?”

Madara waves an impatient, gloved hand, shushing his protégé. “I don’t know who you’re talk–”

Sasuke points past Madara, who frowns, and then turns in a huff.

The aforementioned old man comes to a halt, with a final _tap-tap-shuffle-step… tap._

“Who are _you_?” Madara puts his hands on his hips.

“Hmm hmm hmmm,” the old man chuckles without parting his lips, and without making much of an expression whatsoever.

Madara glances back at Sasuke (who immediately stops picking his nose) and then straightens to his full height.

“Listen, I’m rather in the middle of something important here, so if you wouldn’t mind?” Madara makes shoo-ing motions to further his point across.

The old man continues to stare through his one slitted eye, before one jowl quirks in an evil smirk. “On the contrary; this is the exact moment when my arrival is needed.”

“I beg your pardon?” Madara sniffs, affronted.

“For you see,” the man’s voice drops to a low rumble. “This is the moment when the _true_ mastermind is introduced.”

For six seconds, only the crackle of Konoha’s dying flames can be heard.

“Ahahaha!” Madara laughs, “Oh I see! A delusional survivor. Sasuke, get rid of him!”

Sasuke folds his arms. “I don’t feel like it.”

The old man’s face curves in a Cheshire smile, scarred and bandaged as it is. “The great Danzou-sama will not be eliminated so easily, fool.”

“Danzou?” Madara touches the side of his mask. “Danzou?” he scratches the top of his head, then spreads his hands. “Never heard of you! Now get lost! You’re ruining my monologue!”

“Hmm hmm hmmmmm,” Danzou laughs, shuffle-tapping closer. “That just shows your inferiority, Uchiha Madara.”

“Ha!” Madara points. “See? You knew _MY_ name, didn’t ya?! So clearly I’m the most famous and way far above the likes of you!”

“On the contrary,” Danzou tilts his head. “The true mastermind knows the name of even the most insignificant enemy. Which proves that _you_ are inferior to _me_.”

Madara puts both hands on his hips, huffing. He turns to Sasuke, “Do you _hear_ what this asshole just said?”

Sasuke stops tugging on his wedgie when he realizes Madara is watching him. “Uh… yeah.”

Madara sighs, loudly, then marches over to Danzou. He gestures to the flames and chaos down below. “Do you see that there? Only a truly evil genius could orchestrate something on this scale!”

“You call this evil?” Danzou sneers, “I destroyed Konoha from the _inside_.”

“Oh yeah?” Madara puffs out his chest. “Well I’m so evil, I pretended to be an idiot so I could infiltrate my own organization–just to _mess with them!”_

“Hah,” Danzou rolls his one uncovered eye. “I’m so evil I _destroyed_ all my minions emotions!”

“Oh yeah? Well I’m so evil I _stole my brother’s eyes!”_

Danzou is silent for a moment, and Madara crosses his arms in triumph–though it is short lived.

“I… I… I killed a frog–with this sword hidden in my cane!” He gestures with the cane to show off the splatter of blood.

Sasuke raises his hand, waving, “Oh! Oh! I killed a lizard! Right in front of its owners!”

“Oh for crissakes…” Danzou mutters.

“_Shut up!_ You’re not helping!” Madara flails at Sasuke, totally peeved. Sasuke pouts, scuffing his sandal against the rocky ground.

“Now look!” Madara marches up to Danzou and grabs the front of his drab, unfashionable clothing. “I have worked too damn hard to achieve this moment of glory to let some dirty old man ruin it!”

“Ha ha ha,” Danzou grins. “It’s too late to outdo me, I’m afraid.”

“Oh yeah?!” Madara whips off his orange mask. “Prepare to be Sharinganed!!!”

Danzou’s hand moves up as if to shield his face from the blast of Amaterasu, and Madara cackles in triumph feeling the man’s brittle body tremble before him. But… something isn’t right. Madara closes his eye to end the jutsu, wondering why Danzou’s body didn’t catch on fire like it should have, when–

Danzou _cackles_. Not just any cackle–the rolling laughter only a purely evil man can produce from evil guts and evil vocal cords. For a moment, Madara is speechless.

“What the–” he mutters, blinking his eye open once more. Then he sucks in a shocked breath– “NO!”

Danzou grins an evil grin. “Oh yes! I see you didn’t know that I _ALSO_ have the Sharingan!!!” Danzou drops the unwound bandages from his head to fully reveal the red pupil locked on Madara.

“Your techniques won’t work on me!” Danzou laughs, his Sharingan spinning gleefully in its socket.

“Damn you! That’s _MY_ eye!!!” Madara roars, lunging forward at the same time Danzou grabs for him. They lock arms, engaging in the evilest of all evil staredowns, while the screams of fleeing Konoha citizens continue to offer evil background music.

Sasuke watches the two old men for a while, but soon gets bored. Luckily, there’s some sort of scratching noise coming from the edge of the cliff face that seems far more interesting. He takes a step or two closer and peers down, when suddenly a ninja flips up into the air and lands in an attack stance before him. There’s no way he wouldn’t recognize that orange outfit, though the ninja inside it looks so… different from before! Sasuke swallows, heart thumping.

“_Sasuke_?” Naruto says in disbelief, looking him over. “I mean… wow….”

Sasuke’s tongue feels too thick to form words. “You grew up _hot_,” he manages to say.

“Heh,” Naruto fixes those blue eyes on him and stops all his higher brain functions. “You grew up _fuckable_.”

“I never should have left,” Sasuke whispers, now knowing _exactly_ how many hot fucks he’s missed.

In the next moment Naruto is up against him, parting his lips with an eager tongue and melting his bones into goo. Before they get too far, though, Sasuke stops Naruto long enough to take off his Akatsuki cloak and lay it on the ground–he _hates_ getting twigs and dirt and things in his hair. Plus, it’s not like he’s going to need it anymore.

Madara and Danzou face off until defeated by a mutual overdose of the Sharingan, fainting there on the spot and eventually being captured by Tsunade, who doesn’t hesitate to amputate their two remaining Sharingan eyes and implant them into the one character who lacks both background history and bloodline abilities and therefore has the most benefit–Tenten!

Since Sasuke and Naruto continue screwing right there on the mountain for the next three days and nights, and then decide to shack up together so they can keep on screwing in privacy instead, Tenten becomes the ultimate heroine of the Uchiha clan, giving birth to successive rounds of triplets fathered by her two teammates, and Iruka, and Gaara. And Sai. But nobody knows about that.

Pain and Konan take this opportunity to escape from Konoha, and more importantly, Madara’s clutches, and flee to Canada where they can plot to take over the world through regular politics, though there is still the temptation to organize an underground terrorist group to shift the control of war back into their clutches where it belongs… but then again they _like_ being Canadians, too. Darn. Anyway, to achieve success in politics they decide to lose the piercings–but only the ones above the neck. The lower ones are way too much fun.

Kisame winds up with Suigetsu and Karin, because blue skin and big swords are a kinky girl’s best friend, and hers is the best offer he’s had post-Itachi. Plus all that chakra and biting. Rawr.

Last but not least, Zetsu goes on his merry way, all by himself, just the way he likes it.

The village is rebuilt and repopulated, and all is well, with Jiraiya and Yondaime naked up in the clouds of heaven drinking sake together and smiling down upon their legacies, until Orochimaru slinks over for more raunchy threesome action and the sake gets spilled somewhere in the frenzy.

And the _real_ epic mastermind of ultimate evil, Kabuto, slips through everyone’s fingers, nudging his glasses to flash an evil glint and leave room for the sequel.

Muahahahaha!

—

Ω


End file.
